For my friend Mary D

Mary D. I miss you, I didn't get to know you long enough, soon enough or close enough. I read your comment and thought about all that God has done in my life since Feb. when I last posted. This may be long :)

The past 24 months have been unequivocally the hardest months of my life. I, who had been on a mountain top of victorious triumphs descended to the darkest valleys of despair. Life suddenly began to toss me some very tough situations to cope with.

Be sure in the good times to absorb God's word!

It will be a shield you can hide behind!

A fortress of strength and hope!

Someday perhaps I will be able to tell you of some of the struggles we faced, today, I am still not in a position to tell of them or share them. I will tell you that I fought to maintain my very sanity. My faith was pelted by fear and doubt and with each passing day as more information came to light my nightmare seemed to grow. I found it hard to breath, hard to sleep and hard to wake. I longed for heaven and home, life was harder than I thought I could bear.

In the mist of that situation we were also contending with the appraisal board which had unjustly sentenced Thomas to some harsh fines, suspensions and penalties. We were also trying to handle an emotionally charged court battle which ultimately could cost Thomas and I our careers.

The economy had tanked and we took a pay cut of over $125,000 dollars in just one year.

I was spending all my time applying for jobs that I didn't have the strength or courage to accept if they were offered. I remember one month I applied for and emailed 72 resumes I had only 2 job offers - and 70 rejections, each one stated I was over qualified for the positions. The 2 job offers, one in Maine, one in Hawaii - I couldn't afford to take them - I didn't have the funds to get there :).

In April our home went into foreclosure, life was so uncertain for us - we were doing all we knew to do.

At night I would sleep from exhaustion usually around 2 am by 4

I would be awake sort of and I would quote the scriptures to

keep from thinking about life. I was so thankful for the Word of God

I learned as a child. As the weeks grew into months the Devil would

mock me in my half conscience state. I would hear a voice saying, "You

can't remember it, you can't rest, you don't know it." It was uncanny,

I would be trying to focus on any scripture, even the most simple, Psalms 23

but that voice just hammered away at me. I would wake crying frantic

to find my bible to see if I could remember His word. It was my only hope,

my only strength. One night after several night of this I just in despair

cried out to God, I said, " God I do know the word, I have hidden in my heart

why can't I find it?" It came to the scripture, "Get the behind me Satan" I spoke it aloud

and from that night on Satan left me alone. I quoted Isiah 53 to myself, Psalms 23, 117, 1,

John 3, Acts 2, Romans 12, I Cor. 14, Hebrews 11 - on and on

night after night when I couldn't sleep I would lie in bed with my eyes closed

whispering God's word until I would fall asleep.

In May I voluntarily surrendered my Ford Expedition to the bank, the payments were to high for me to make, I lacked only 20 payments - I couldn't understand how I could work so hard, build such a wonderful business to have to face the humiliation of having to have a repossession on my credit.

We weren't going to go to church camp for the first time in 20 years, we couldn't afford to go but Thomas was praying in late May and he said God told him we were to go anyway. You know that month was the first time in 20 mts. we made enough money to pay our way to camp. God knew.

I found so much healing during the four weeks I was at camp. Every sermon seemed to be just for me. People looked at us as if life was still going well but inside I knew better we were days from being homeless. We didn't' even have a car, we were using Tylor's car and I didn't see anyway we could buy anything. We didn't have the money for even a cheap car. But in spite of our financial circumstances God really was healing my wounded soul and spirit.

I had been searching for something Thomas and I could do to make a living for our family. We were looking at going back to college to change fields, opening a used car lot, on and on anything I could think of I was researching 12 or 15 hrs everyday and praying praying praying.

At camp this summer I found hope! Hope in my spirit and Hope in my God. I came home renewed. Each time our house was scheduled to auction the bank cancelled it at the last moment. I had finally stopped worrying and started trusting God to handle it. Thomas and I were now praying, "Not my will, but thine be done" Thomas has told me 100s of times lately whatever happens is God's plan and it will be right even if we don't understand it!

Thomas and I had finally reached an obtainable goal, he was going to enroll in Embalmers school and in 2 years he could go to work for a funeral home then I would go back to college while he worked. I was talking to the college getting his paper work filled out and someone recommended I call the Embalmers board. The lady asked me what our long term plans were after Thomas finished school I told her just to work but knowing us :) someday we would most likely open a funeral home that I wasn't must of an employee, I prefer to work for myself and so does Thomas. See God always has a plan her next words changed our future. "Why wait? Open one now, you don't have to be an embalmer, hire a funeral director and fill out the paper work"

Well you all know me, I teamed up with God and went to work! That was August 1st. God has opened doors and make ways possible I couldn't even dream of.

We open our doors Nov. 1 at Peaceful Haven Funeral Home. I don't know what the future holds but by Mid August God had provided us with a vehicle that is nice, runs well and has really low payments. By Sept. 15 we had signed a lease on a building that seems to be designed for our needs. God provided the funding for our start up cost in a low interest loan that doesn't have to start being repaid until 1 year into our new business. The community has shown much excitement and enthusiasm for the new business.

I clung to the words, God's Grace is Enough for the past year. I encourage you, if you are down or in despair find a way to climb on top of your problems. I let a problem stand on me for almost 2 years before I using the word of God climbed on top of it. The problems are the same but it feels altogether different to stand on the problem rather than letting it stand on you.

I know this is mumble jumble and not very well organized :) Maybe I will work on it again soon

Love Ya all - The view from this Mountain I have climbed is incredible! I am gathering strength because I know there will be another valley ahead - I will be prepared!

Where God Has Been

Where I am going God has been.

Tonight I sit here weary and tired. I could tell the world my worry, my problems but what would that change? What would that help?

What I will tell the world is God is faithful! He will make a way where it seems there is no way.

I know that where I am going God has already been - The boards that judge, Judges that sentence - He has sat before them, judged unjustly, sentenced to death - He understands -
I trust Him! He is faithful!

God is faithful!

The Ones Before Me

Today I think about the old saints of God who have gone before me. They have shaped my life, helping me learn to walk in the ways of truth.

I think of the scripture that says grave where is thy victory, death where is thy sting. I know because I am a child of the King that the grave has no victory but... the sting of death, it is here in my heart and my mind. I also know that someday when we shed this mortal body and take on the immortal that the sting will be gone and we will then be victorious over death and the grave. Until that time only Jesus Christ has that victory. Until that time we grieve for those we love who will and have gone before us.

I first remember Sis. Clark, she was a little old lady in our church in Batesville. Sis. Clark was blind and she was my friend. She taught me about faith, I prayed every night that God would give her sight. She told me each Sunday to keep praying, God healed the blind man in the bible and He would heal her someday. Faith, the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not yet seen. WoW in the face of darkness day after day she hoped for her sight and kept believing. When she died I was so sad, I missed her, I wanted her to live until she had her healing. Bro. Clark told me, "You should be happy for her, she wants to be with Jesus, and now she finally has her sight". That gave me comfort, I realize now, that in death the sting of life for my old friend had passed. For her death had no sting and the grave was not victorious.

Then there is Grandma Mary, she wasn't my grandmother, she was my boyfriend's grandmother = but make no mistake, she loved me! And I, I loved her! She is the reason I still pray for a man I haven't seen in years. She encouraged me to pray, to trust God and to know that He is always faithful. I married Thomas in 1990 and Thomas didn't know the Lord. Sis. Mary told me that God had shown her that Thomas would be saved if I would walk faithfully in His ways. She said God had told her that about her son years before but he still had not come to know the Lord. She said she would pray for Thomas everyday until she died but she knew she did not have many years left on this earth, she asked me if when she was gone I would pray everyday for Danny. When they called and said she had gone to her reward I knew that Death had lost some sting that day because her prayers continue, I pray them for her, I remind God that he has her tears bottled in heaven and that her prayers are on the altar. In Sis. Mary's death the grave had no victory!

There is Sis. Katie Andrews, she was in our church in DeQueen. I remember her as faithful in every way. She prayed for Thomas to come to know God, she was so afraid that I would quit church after Thomas and I married. When he got the Holy Ghost I will never forget the first time we saw her after that she was so happy, she said, "Oh I have prayed everyday since the day you married". That my friends was 7 years, that is 2555 days - what a prayer warrior! When we go to church camp I am always sad to see she isn't up there in her spot then I remember, she was faithful! She waits for the trump of God to sound and with a shout we shall all rise to meet Him in the air, and the dead in Christ shall rise first - Oh grave where is thy victory and death where is thy sting?

I can't pass over Bro. Williams, we moved to Benton in 1994, I don't know what year Bro. Williams passed away but I never go to church that I don't remember that awesome, kind and faithful man. He always had such a ready smile and warm spirit. When cancer racked his body his spirit remained strong. There were so many times that I knew he didn't feel like being in church but there he was smiling and worshiping God. From Bro. Williams I learned to be faithful no matter how bad I feel. I learned to go anyway - I look forward to seeing him again in heaven someday. I want to tell him he helped me make it! Death has no sting for this awesome man it is simply rest until that great day when God calls for his children.

One of the first heroes of faith I ever knew was Grandma Crabtree, she loved me! I remember going to her house when we were cleaning the church or spending Sunday afternoons with her, I could hear her praying when I would step up onto the porch, I wanted to be like her, I wanted to have her sweet spirit. I still miss her after all these years, I know when I get to heaven she will be so excited to see me. Someone told me when I was an adult that Grandma Crabtree "didn't really love me" it was that she had alzheimer and didn't know which grandchildren were hers so she just treated them all the same. That hurt me so badly until I realized that if having alzheimer is what it takes to show Gods love to little children than I hope I have it and I hope it comes soon. You see what she had was the love of God and that was reflected in her actions! When she died death had a little less sting because everyone that knew her knew that finally she was on the final journey to her heavenly home.

When my friend called me last night to tell me Bro. Owens had died I was stunned, I don't know why, the last few years have been hard physically for him but I just wasn't expecting it, so many things come to mind when I think of Bro. Owens being gone. When Tylor was about 5 or 6 years old Bro. Owen was giving a message after tongues had come forth. Tiffany was wiggling and trying to get his attention. Tylor turned to her and said, "Hush, can't you hear God is talking". Tiffany was maybe 3 she said, " no it's not it's Bro. Owens" Tylor said, "Well they have the same voice so be quite"! I always have felt the same way! Death does have a sting today, but I know that Robert Owens next words will be worship to the Father he loved and the next words he will hear will be Welcome Home My Good and Faithful Servant, enter into the joys of the Lord. Somehow that takes some of the sting away and leaves the grave without victory.

I could go on and on talking about the ones before me and what they have meant to me in my life and my walk with God, Sis. Kellie, Bro. Joyce, Sis. Jayroe, Bro. Chance, Sis. Lumpkin, Bro. Lumpkin, the list goes on and on. How many people have touched my life with an encouraging word, a message from God, or by seeing that in times of great trial they stood faithful and in that knowledge there are times that I can stand because I know they did.

They may have gone before but soon one day we will meet again in a better place. A place where death has no sting and grave no victory.

The God Dependency - Hard Times Keep Coming

Life is meant to be lived and to the fullest but often times living full is very hard surviving one day to the next. We were tired, weary and poor. Life was good but hard. The years from that low day of loosing our car for the next 5 years were hard. I would like to tell you that things began a steady upward climb but the fact is the hard times just kept coming and with those very hard times we learned to trust God for everything!

The God Dependency - God Supplies Us a Car

Thomas got a job for another heat and air company just days after we lost our car; our cosigner had decided it was to great of a risk to be cosigner for someone unemployed.

These times were tough!

I finally went back to the only place I knew for help; you got it, God dependency Mode. I tucked the babies in that night sprayed roach and bug spray around the beds and off to the living room. beside our old orange swivel rocker I poured my woes out to God, I told Him we were doing our best and what were we to do when it wasn’t enough? I went to bed that night with a peace, no car, 2 babies, waffles to eat, bugs, rats and a new job as the only bright spot. This was a blessing that I was afraid hadn’t come soon enough. How would Tom keep his job without a car?

While Thomas was working I caught a ride with a friend to town, I stopped to look at a car, I don’t know maybe I just wanted to see one up close .
The salesman came out and wanted to help.
”Just looking” I explained.
See in self-dependency mode there was not a chance in the world anyone would sell us a car, a job only 2 days and an income so small it was almost invisible.
Salesman: You like this one? he asked.
Me: I laughed; it was better than the car we had had before.

It was a navy Mercury Sable with 60K miles on it.

Me: Oh yeah I like it.
Salesman: Take it for a spin.
Me: No I can’t, we can’t buy it.
Salesman: Why not
Me: We have no down payment, self-dependency all the reasons why not, no credit, nothing.
Salesman: Your husbands have a job?
Me: Yes, Jones Heat and Air
Salesman: I know Randy Jones let me call him if he says your husband is working there I will sell you the car you can pay your down payment out.
Wow only God’s way.
Things were looking up – We now had a car, and the next week we moved to a nice clean apartment without bugs.

The God Dependency - Hard Times and Waffles

I wish I could tell you life has been smooth sailing ever since but I can’t. Life has been hard, we struggled with all of life’s tempus just like everyone else.

The company Thomas worked for laid off the newest help when winter came and we really had a time of it that winter.

We moved to a cheaper home complete with huge roaches and Rats the size of squirrels. I sat up many nights in a chair with my feet tucked under me because I didn’t want to wake with critters crawling on me.

Funds were really at an all time low and the food supply was gone, I went to my knees and began to pray, my babies were hungry and I needed some help. My husband’s grandparents came by with a 20 lb sack of Complete Waffle Mix. Just add water. I was so excited! We had Waffles that first afternoon complete with butter and syrup! Boy did we enjoy those waffles. I would like to say we continued to enjoy them but I can’t when the syrup ran out I had some powered sugar I put on them, the kids liked that well enough the first day but after a few days my 5 year old would cry when he saw the waffle mix come out. But God had supplied and we did have something to eat.

The God Dependency - Faithfulness pays off!

Thomas lost his job in 1994 and work was slim in the small town of DeQueen where we lived. We had visited a church in Benton where Bro. Crabtree was the minister and really liked the church.

One of the men in the church told Tom he could get him a job with a heating and air company if we moved to Benton so we decided to relocate our young family to the place that has remained our home for many years now.

We moved to Benton at a very tough time in our lives, we were beaten down by life, Thomas went to church with me the very first times we were in Benton we quickly made friends. Since Thomas was working with several of the guys from church he was going to church regularly and things were looking up. We had been here just a few weeks when all those years of being faithful paid off, Thomas received the Holy Ghost one Sunday night early in September.

I cannot tell you the difference this made in our marriage. Now instead of just one person being in God Dependency Mode we were going to have a family unit!

God Dependency Mode all the way.